EXAM DIARY

Yes its been a long time since i could overcome my laziness...
nd write once again....but well papers are going on...

This is the same story as of all us have mostly ,quite similar to the other papers in IIT...but its worse this time

I had not even attended a single class mentally in last 3 months / 4 months sem...nd only 5 classes physically in the same period..now when i sit down to study..i feel like i m studying a toally new subject for the first time..nd given 1 day or so to prepare it gets real tough...BT101 was hard part..its over now...

WTF...W->Why ..do i have to study biotechnology when i m as intrstd in it as i wud be in siberia's politics...

Now to CS101..in which i have to save my ass somehow...Cuz even though i am good a t programming that a*****e wud ask such questions that wud confues even the best...But still , i m much better prepared this time though than mid-sem...

Mugging up a few days b4 ppr...scrapping thru...wht is this... is this learning?? i dont feel so... so why bother right!!!

SAB MOH MAYA HAI

Its raining again!!

Drenched in Rain, was I
Tears did Run, mixed with rain
Yet there was a hope of good
in the surrounding clouds of pain

Then came th golden sunlight
It spoke to me , You have waited Long my son
Now is your time , Go be yourself
Happiness is the key to living


A wave of emotions swept over me
There was hope...Happiness too
Mixed with it was relief..
but still scared of the world

'Go be yourself', I took the cue
I relaxed , lay down my guard
In hope of a better world
Broke the walls around me
So that everyone would see
What i really wanted to be

Soon i was enveloped in warmth
A feeling new to me
I felt alittle love too
Believed in new things

Black and white turned colorful
dead flowers blossomed again
there was a smile on my face

I talked a lot
about things i didnt even know
The poison seeped out
The love creeps in

Choking was I ,
am living now

Opposite Things!!

Well I wanted to write on this for a long time , but never found the proper words…
Even this is very raw work but here it is .Its basically based on Duality ... Intuition... Reason

There is a concept of positive.. But to match it there is a equal and opposite concept of negative
There is a concept of good.. But a equal and opposite concept of Bad...
There is Day.. but so is night

And like them there are thousands of examples of this duality... Its not always about one being positive influence..and other being negative... sometimes both are good... The point i want to stress is on the need, the reason for such existence...

What would have happened , had there existed no bad in our lives???? Maybe then we wouldn't really understand life, and when it did come we would have been helpless .. Life would have been utterly incomplete.. and also the importance of good would never be ascertained...

What would have happened , had there been only negative numbers in maths?? .. Then if there did come postive numbers... it wud be called a irrational concept... and of course there would be no zero maybe...

In short.. without the one ... the 2nd is incomplete....its importance is reduced... and life becomes hard to visualize...

But when god created male... the female was created... Could it also be a principle of dual-existence ... I believe so !!
God never created any discrimination between them... and till it was so... things would have been different... but since a long time... or as much time as we had good knowledge about things havent been so...

And so if i believe .. that to be a sane person.. it is necessary to have equal interaction with both girls and boyz.. do I have wrong beliefs... but when I reflect on my past nd my present , It is like i have had 90% interaction wid guyz...

So is it not bound that i might be insane.. i definitely think i am , just a little bit ... When i realized this problem in my life , i set about trying to figure out a way... and the only outcome was to have increased interaction with girls...

Is it wrong having girls as friends??... I should never have felt so ... But well i was made to believe so [since the time i began to understand the difference between boys and girls ]...mostly by the girls.. [Once in kota...i tried talking to girl.. just casually asked wdr she wud like to be a friend... and she said y? ... i had never before encountered this question... and was caught speechless...]

This kind of attitude ... and me becoming a little insane , has fueled the nervousness that i feel in front of alien creature called GIRL ... and now that i try to fight out this disease in my system ... even my friends (..or those who were ..) behaved oddly...

The only thing I wish is that people understand , that if I try to talk to a girl , it is the same as I want to behave had she been a boy … but due to different circumstances ..there creeps up a lot of unwanted nervousness… that is misunderstood

Inspite of some hard times ..I have not yet lost the will of trying... and i get some good...some bad results...but life is improving...

I am a little more human and sane creature than a year before...

You can do anything!

Earlier I was very shy and unsure and at times not self-confident in life.
There were various reasons for this ... some of which i wont like to disclose... one of them , though , was my friend circle at times...
those guyz wid so much style.. i felt out of place

Well coming to the point now , as i found out it was a flaw in my character ...
so i decided to work on it... and thereby have noticed improvement...
some of the things that i felt nd did...

1. Believe in your self and your ability
2. Run your own race
Run your own race
Run your own race
Run your own race
Its like a medicine... it makes you feel better
3. I realized the importance of fact , that
" Whenever you want something , the whole universe conspires in its favour "

4. I was generally and still am shy ..lil nervous with the girls... the reason being , my lack of interaction with them , over the past few years...
that makes me more nervous... and to overcome this nervousness i build a wall around myself... thus even less intercation.. more solid wall... and its kind of vicious cycle...
But well now point no.2 helped me come out of it...

5. There is nothing like a good walk alone to sort out even the most confusing situations... maybe there is... discussing with your best frn... the luxury of which i dont have as of now...

6. The society... would always pull you down..
more than half of the girls will make you feel small...very small....
so best way ...just fuck them...
Be yourself.... dont bother about them...

RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS

7.friends are life...without them everything is useless... and empty

RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS...HAVE GOOD FRNS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS...HAVE GOOD FRNS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS...HAVE GOOD FRNS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS...HAVE GOOD FRNS
RUN YOUR OWN RACE...FUCK THE OTHERS...HAVE GOOD FRNS

8.A single word...a single line...a single second...can break you into pieces...and to rejoin them back would take years...
i am lucky... that most of the tries to break me have been unsuccessful... some of them partially doing damage..

but never let anyone tell you... THAT YOU CANT DO ANYTHING!!!

I am helpless!!

Let me explain ... therez a person X

I dont like X i know...not that much... X is not d kind of person i like ,X is exactly opp to my priciple's... man she was d one who gave encouragement to sm1 she luvd ... the guy got srys...nd she also was srys..

But wen her marks came bad... her parents scolded her..gave her senti talk... she was brainwashed... nd she ditched 'sm1 she used to luv'... nd tht guy vaha uske liye sab chod raha .. god knows wht she wntd .. i hated her for this nd other things...

Yet i meet her... i even feel she is also not too interested in meeting me... shez tht cold nd indifferent kind...and yet i meet her... Y Y Y... dunno ...

Or m i trying to hide from myself... i met her that day... Jo kaam tha uska vo ho gaya tha... but wen she was going back .. i was sad... even though i shud hv tght gud riddance... i am not sure y..

But maybe i felt ...even if unwanted i was gettin to meet a girl... at least i wud undrstnd what the creature called girl is ...
at least i wudnt become inhumane like in kota...widout any girls... and so hw'vr i hated her.. i liked meetin her... but tht day was d last time i met her i think.. now i wont get to meet her... she wont meet newyz... i m scared will tht old helplessness come back...

i dunno... lets c wht hppns... wht'vr future has for me..i guess it wud be good...

Reason with me

Hmm...Blogging has become more tough than i thought...cuz i m running out of ideas to write about... most of it center about love... and views change about it everyday

Well since few months... i have become Vela...ultimate cool for some... cool beyong stupidity for some others... cuz i hv stopped worrying abt shit...Shit like studies...and other stuff.... I had lost my enthusiasm for all this...

But few the reason for it.... Maybe i dont even know it... nd maybe by writing this i might understand more clearly...

Everything we do in life ..It has a purpose... but we dont realise it... small or big it might be...but there is some reason for it...even we eat for our living...but some might say we do many things just for no reason ...but for our satisfactionI guess that is the main reason of every action we take in life...

And what is Depression? when satisfaction doesnt matter ..In that case...evry action is boring stupid nd widout result...

And the same way , studies earlier had a purpose... To be a good student... den to prove a point to my parents... nd den to get into IIT..so tht i hv a good life... But now that i am here...and now that i have experienced the IIT teachers nd subjects... the reason..even the reason of satisfaction is gone...I have to study...to pass...and i can pass just by studyin a lil on my own at the end... and thus i have stopped attending classes...

I am continiously in actions, that give me satisfaction here... But alas! i havent found many..in fact i m just sure of one action... ADVENTUREi feel that this is the main time i can enjoy... that i can live life... after i get a job... WTF life wud i have... but the only thing that has prevented in making this activity my passion ...is that i am alone...in this..

There aint any1 who shares d passion of living ... having adventure..travelling...enjoying the b'ful nature... everyone is busy chasing his own goals nd targets... nd many are bogged down just by the surroundings and family... But now that i have decided to pursue my passion...my destiny myself...to be self-dependent... i feel free in mind and soul... even though i fear walking alone... but better fear and walk ...than sit forever...

Love was a passion too... but continious disappointment has led to its dying down.. Sometimes i feel whether i have lost d capacity to love.. wdr my hr8 had become a rock [;)]... but well another sentence i have had a strong belief in since my Breaking free is

" RUN YOUR OWN RACE , DONT BE PART OF D WORLD'S RACE "

Another post

Few days back , i was asked to send a somple courier . It was some sort of form . I thought it would be probably a easy work. So the next day i went to Guwahati city. I took the form (at my mama's office), filled it up , and addressed it. I left it at his office. I left then thinking that the job is now done. The courier would reach its destination . But well it was far from done.

After say 5 days , i got a call from my dad. He said the courier hadnt reached. Now i was well surprised , normal post apart , these days even couriers dont reach d destination. Strange!!

Now well i tried to trace down the courier... It was a relatively small courier , by which the letter was sent. And well i got to nothing. Next day i went to city again. I again filled the form . But this time i took the letter myself. Now the only thing left to do was to courier it.

But alas. It was the toughest job of all. I found out that all good couriers were at least 45 mins by Bus , the only one near was Speed-Post . And i was out of time . So i thought i would speed-post it from IIT itself. So i got back to IIT at 2 pm . And when i reached post-office at 2.15 . He told me that speed-post till only 1.45 ...Man this was truing out to be stupid .. i asked whether there was any other courier in IIT..he replied something ..but well i was not able to understand it...
By the evening i did find out that in fact there is another way of couriers..but it closed at 5.30 ... it was just 5.30 that time...So now all my hopes were on the next day...

So next morning , at 9 am i reached the Speed-Post office...but it was closed... at 11.30 i again went there..and then i came to know that it was a ASSAM BANDH today..so it would be closed ... i was so frustrated ... then at 2.30 pm i went to another courier office. It was Blue-Dart . So i waited 10 mins and then someone told me well the person would come at 4 pm ... i came back again at 4 pm ... again 4.30 time is given.. i come back at 4.50 pm ..

And then i am told that the person wont be able to come due to bandh ... well god knows i never hated couriers ever....So finally ...after lot of shit...i give it to someone else working in that deptt...and ask her to plz courier it the first thing tomorrow morning...and finally that courier left my hands...

And it was the most i have ever paid for the courier....wich was just one document .. Rs.65
From now on ... i would respect couriers...wich i had just taken for granted all my life...Another lesson learnt...

View-point

Its been a few days since i last wrote...i had been thinking of a topic , all along , that influnces me and might influnce others too. But well i dont think i have found one.

We often never consider others view point on any particular topic . And if by chance you do start thinking about others view-point then you get all confused and amazed by what all negatives that might have been in your thoughts about that topic.

Let us say for example .My principle urrff philosophy is that not studying is the best possible way of relaxing . Because you are free from all sorts of tension that studies might give. Thus i have stopped attending lectures. But when i somehow manage to think the other way round . I found lots of flaws in this concept. I might say that it relieves you of your tension but well it creates so much emptiness that u are bound to do nothing but get bored...you think about all the shit...

A wisdom quote ..to end all dis crap

"When the student is ready , the teacher appears"